These days, my grief catches me by surprise most often. I guess I have learned to brace myself and mentally ready myself for the times when it’s expected to be painful. Those are the times I clench my teeth and brace myself for the pain, often times feeling so relieved and in control of my emotions when I make it through without completely losing it. But the times when it comes out of nowhere are the hardest. For example, tonight I was up late during a rainstorm watching TV. After my show ended, the ending credit music was a cover of a Rolling Stones song. I completely lost it. Out. Of. Nowhere. All I could think about was that I’m not supposed to be in this house, living this life, and parenting my children without Kyle.
Yesterday evening, the kids and Skip and I loaded up in Kyle’s truck, and rode out into the delta to pick up a piece of furniture from my parents house. We were packed in like 4 sardines! We listened to Z106, which is the rock station Kyle always listened to, and rolled the windows down. The sun was setting as we drove, and the smell of his truck made me feel so safe and familiar. I pulled over and snapped a picture of us. My little family. My whole world. All my people squished into the front of our Kyle’s pickup truck. Even though we are missing a piece of our puzzle, we are still holding together.
Sometimes I just wish Christ would decide to return NOW. Now, while my sweet innocent children are still sheltered under my protective wings. Now, before the world gets any uglier. Now, while we are all together so that we can wake up in a new world together.
We are learning so much during this time of grief and healing. Heaven and eternity are so real to me and Myla. Hamp is too little, but he already knows that daddy lives in Heaven with Jesus. Christ is working within me, and my eyes are on the prize. I pray for God to show me how to steward the hearts of my children.
This life we are living is temporary. This life without kyle is my worst nightmare, but I know it will be over in a flash. My forever will be with him in eternity. I can’t wait!