Just one of those nights. After the kids have gone to bed and the house is eerily quite. I never turn the TV on anymore it seems. I can hear the train in the distance. But mostly just the quiet.
That’s when the tears come. When the grief hits so hard.
I’m so overwhelmed by any decision I have to make. When did I become so helpless? I sat at my kitchen table for almost 2 hours crying while typing out a 3 sentence text message. There is a widow in my small town with a very similar story. Widowed young with 2 babies. Now her kids are in college. I want to talk to her and ask her questions. I have so many questions about my future.
But I don’t know her. Why is it so hard to ask for help? But I sent the message and pray she is willing to talk to me.
I feel the need to be close to someone who has actually experienced this awful pain. It’s so isolating. I want to talk to someone who isn’t so emotionally invested in every decision I make. This town is so small, and people love me so much. It’s a wonderful thing, but I also feel like it makes people’s advice and opinions too emotional and biased. Even people who I know LOVE me so very much and can really empathise with me, still don’t have a clue what it’s really like. They don’t have to sit in a silent house with the weight of the world and the void left by their loss. Those wonderful people still can’t really put themselves in my shoes. Our brains don’t allow it. It’s too much to fathom.
I also am trying so hard to maintain a relationship with my mother in law. She is one of my “pieces of Kyle”. But she lives 6 hours away and is very involved in her activities and I feel like she is drifting away. Maybe it’s too hard for her to be close to me right now. She has lost a husband and a son. I can’t imagine her pain. But I do wish she would share that pain with me.
This week, both of my children have had an issue at school. Myla is daydreaming and not focusing to the point of the teacher needing to talk with me and Hamp has been throwing temper tantrums at daycare this week. It’s just too much to have to deal with by myself sometimes. That’s when I start to get overwhelmed, which in turn makes me start to get angry at God. In times like that, I have to force myself to slow down and breathe. And pray. Pray for peace and a calm head. Pray for guidance and direction.
One more day until this week is over. Hallelujah!