I wish there was an adequate way to describe grief. It’s so consuming. It’s hard to sound authentic when I say this, but I am literally thinking about Kyle and his death almost every waking second. Even when I have a client in my chair at the salon and we are making small talk, He is still in the back (or sometimes front) of my mind. I’ve become very good on the receiving end of a one-sided conversation, seemingly participating in the conversation when my mind is elsewhere.
It’s so suffocating. I feel like I literally can’t breathe sometimes, and other times all I want to do is scream and cry. Sometimes when I just look at his photograph, I get this tingling feeling all over me and for a split second it feels as though the walls are closing in. I still have night when I am on my knees on the floor crying out in grief pain. How can I still feel like this after almost 6 months? Furthermore, how in the heck has time even continued so far as to even become 6 months?! I try to reflect on what I have been doing with myself for the past 6 months, and I come up with nothing. I haven’t done anything except survive. I’m exhausted, weak, sad, desperate, and lonely. I’m surviving in a home surrounded by our memories. This was our dream home! We had so many plans left unfinished and dreams left unfulfilled. I’m raising our children alone. Which is quite frankly the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Single parenthood, compounded with grief and loss is almost unbearable. I second guess every single decision and even the thought of future decisions. I have spent almost half of my life with that man, and I have no idea how to be myself without him. He was my best friend, safety net, encourager, protector, lover, my everything. It’s times like these when I wonder how anyone can possibly survive this. How I survived this. How I am continuing to survive this. Whether I will be able to continue to survive this for the rest of my years on this earth. I feel like a shell of the person I once was. Every moment for the rest of my life will be the after. After his death.
God has truly wrecked my life and brought me to my knees. Why would He do this ? Why would He take away our rock, my love, my soulmate? People say things like “we can’t question God.” Well, I believe that is wrong. We can question God. And we should. We should have an open dialog and conversation with Him. Because through our questioning, we can find hope. I am so thankful to have my faith and hope for my eternal future. I have said over and over- I have no idea how anyone survives grief without God. I know that God has a master plan, and that life and death are not random events. And in His book, the oldest manuscript of history on earth, it states that through knowing Him and by faith in Him, we will have eternal life in His paradise. That’s what I want! I want to be in His perfect paradise with those that I love. I’m ready today! For those lost souls who don’t believe that what the Bible states is true, I pray so hard for your broken heart. There is hope for the hopeless! God does not want us to suffer, and His children will not suffer in vain. Currently I’m reading Heaven by Randy Alcorn. It is extremely intriguing and by page 18, I was crying. It’s going to be a good read.
I still can’t believe it’s been nearly 6 months. I wish time would stop. Every new day takes me farther away from the last time I saw Kyle. He is getting further and further away from our memories. I hate it. But after listening to a sermon by Levi Lusko, I realized a truth. It’s been 176 days since I saw my husband on this earth. But that makes me 176 days closer until I see him again in heaven. One day closer.