Man, grief is UGLY. And a little scary at times. It is a constant pain. The same silent cries and the screams without sound. The sadness I allow no one to witness and the angry and afraid version of myself no one would believe really exists. It’s a perspective I wish the world knew, yet it’s a reality no one should have to live with and I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. My grief is choosing to show friends only the side of grief I’m comfortable with them seeing. Explained with words like “I had a rough day today” or “Yesterday was hard” followed with an “I’m okay now” and a smile. Because as much as I have tried to explain it, my words don’t come close.
My triggers begin with something so simple. Like hearing a song that reminds me of a life I no longer have. Or disciplining my 6 year old. Or laughing at some jumbled new word my 2 year old says for the first time. Or when I “almost” pick up the phone to text Kyle. A physical ache builds in my chest and I tighten my fists. Tears start to fall heavily and my mind turns into a tangled mess of thoughts. Consumed with I Miss You, Why, Please Come Back, I’m So Alone, What If, I Love You, I Don’t Want To Do This, It Hurts, Please! Trying to search for a way out of the pain, an outlet of some kind. “Just Breathe!” I say to myself trying to fight the urge to scream
Those who have never lost a spouse or child, or any member of their household, simply can not understand what this grief is like. Until you are ushering your children to and from the cemetery to “see daddy”, or on your knees sobbing into your carpet, or are jealous of people who simply just get to live their lives everyday, your mind and body can not even fathom what grief is really like. It’s the ugly cry. Its painful and messy and depressing and scary.(Just in case you were wondering what the life of a widow right now looks like and how to better pray for us.)
We are truly walking through the valley of the shadow of death. It is not getting easier, it is getting harder as more and more realities hit every day with the absence of my Kyle. We are all hurting so deeply, but are hurting with HOPE. God is more real to me than ever before, and the Hope of eternity with him is clear and so desirable. I tell myself every day not to get too comfortable in this world. Our life is but a vapor, and can be gone in an instant. AIl I want is for God to come back and get us. To take us to Heaven so that we can be together again. Yet, I do not want to waste my precious moments on earth with my children. I want to soak up every second on this earth with them
Please continue to pray for us. I need a lot of prayers.