breathless

It’s so hard to descried the feeling you are left with when you suddenly loose a spouse.  Death of a spouse is listed on numerous websites as the #1 most stressful life event.  Honey, that is the absolute truth.

I am coming up on the 3 month mark (on the 17th).  That is an insanely hard fact to even consider to be true.  3 MONTHS?! I swear it feels like it was just yesterday that I was on the Gymnasium floor, screaming my husband’s name. How can we have lived for over 12 weeks without our Kyle?  Sometimes, I feel like I am pretending.  Not so much in a “denial” sort of way.  There is no denying that he died.  But in the way of a busy mom, who is also self employed, trying to keep a tidy house, and help Myla pass the first grade, while potty training a two year old.  Its almost as if I’m so busy I can pretend like his absence is not as huge as it is.  But the MOMENT I stop to sit or relax, he is ALL I think about.  I can feel the hot sting of tears anytime I think about the fact that he is not here with me, and that I will never see him on this earth again.  Ever.  That thought leaves me absolutely breathless.

For the past 2 weekends, we have dedicated 2 of my baby nieces to Christ. Kenley belongs to my brother and Wyatt belongs to Kyle’s brother.  these two events, while so special and precious, were extremely hard.  It was especially hard on my side of the family- it was the first time we have all been together again since Kyle’s death.  Our whole family was together, just missing one person.  Kyle left a giant hole in our family.  Also, today is his brother Brock’s 40th birthday.   I could barely tell him happy birthday without getting emotional.  He was Kyle’s very best friend, and I also had the realization that Kyle will never get to celebrate another birthday.  He will forever be 36.

Oh my Lord, I miss him so much! This was not supposed to be my life!  We have a love that ran so deep, a love that a lot of people never get to experience in their lifetime.  I adored him, and he adored me.  He was my very first boyfriend, and the only man I have ever known.  He was the only person on this earth who really knew me on that deep level, that level of unconditional love.  There are some days where I am literally thinking about him almost every single second if I am not keeping my mind busy on a specific task.  Sometimes it feels like I can drown in my thoughts, but I’m still trying to gasp and catch my breath.

One thing is for sure…my relationship with God is getting much stronger.  I am trying to know Him more, and understand what His purpose is for my life.  I have literally spent time on my knees or lying on the floor, crying out for Him.  I want God to use me and my pain in a way to glorify Him.  I want to help others in pain.  I want to help others to know Christ and what He is doing in my life.  I am begging for guidance as I try to be a single mother.  I am crying out for the discernment to make wise and thoughtful decisions in my every day journey.

I’ll close with a Glory Sighting.  A Glory Sighting is where you see God working in your life, or something happens that you know can only be a sign from God to let us know that He is by our side.  I was down in the dumps a few hours ago, just really missing my man, and out of the blue my mom tells me to check my email.  She emailed me numerous pictures she had found on her computer, 2 of which were from the Sundays where we dedicated our own babies to Christ.  I had never even seen the ones from Hamp’s dedication!  Myla was only 2 weeks old, it was Mother’s day AND Kyle’s birthday that day (May 9).  Hamp was dedicated at our current church, First United Methodist, and Kyle was a member of the choir there.  these pictures made me cry, but in a good way.  I am so thankful to have been married to a Christian man and that we chose to raise our children in the house of the Lord! Those pictures from my mom were a little tap on the shoulder from God.  He was saying “remember, I am with you’.


-Jamie

 

 

 

 

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