This morning as I was getting dressed, a wave of sadness rushed over me as I had the most simple of thoughts..”it sure is easy to make the bed when you only have to make one side”.
That simple thought brought on so many tears. I don’t want the bed to be easy to make! I want our messy, crazy, hectic life back! I cry at night over how lonely and big our bed and our room now feels. This house, our dream house, feels hollow. All of our plans for our home are at a stand-still. I like to think I had trained Kyle over the years to like my style of decorating and MidCentury aesthetic. But in reality, I know that he really just liked for me to be happy. “Happy wife, happy life” is a motto he lived by. Our house on the hill feels cold. We have only lived here a little over a year. Barely enough time to make memories! I long for our old home on Glendale Drive. That sweet, cramped little house is full to the brim of memories! I wish I could rewind my life and go back to that sweet little house. Our first home, where we brought home two babies. We buried our beloved Remy in the backyard, Myla took her first steps, and all combined we celebrated 16 birthdays there. I miss that sweet little house that held our precious family of four so close together.
The sheer weight of grief is indescribable. I am learning to brace myself when the sadness hits. I dont have it completely under control yet, but I am learning how to shift my thoughts when the moment hits. One of the grief books I am reading says to name 5 blessings out loud. 5 things I am thankful to God for in that moment. Surprisingly, it’s extremely helpful. “Count your many blessings, name them one by one. Count your many blessings see what God has done”. Change in perspective, shift in my focus. I can cry over my empty bed, or I can be thankful for the roof over my head and the beutiful sunlight streaming in. I am training myself to be thankful, even in this horrible pain.
God will never leave me. The Bible declares it, I just have to be obedient and faithful. And thankful.