2018. I’m ready for you….
I’ve come such a long way as I clawed my way through 2017. It was the hardest 365 days of my life, not counting the last 4 1/2 months of 2016. I’ve never been so exhausted, heartsick, and lonely in my entire existence. The past 3 years, really, have been marked by some extremely tough times.
In 2015, Kyle was fired as a head football coach from a school we had planned to be a part of forever.
2016 brought Kyle’s death
And 2017 has been the survival of the aftermath of losing the person you love most in the world.
I have been so worn down. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of not being the Jamie I used to be. Sometimes I don’t even recognize myself anymore. These tough years have really taken a lot out of me. I threw myself into 100% supportive Head Coach’s wife role, and was dedicated to standing by my man on the sidelines and raising our children in his absence as he worked . It was his time to shine, and I wanted that for him. In hindsight, I wouldn’t change any of that because I know when Kyle left this earth, he felt very loved and supported by me. But.. I lost a little of who I was in the process.
I think back to the dark times in 2017, and all the tears I cried. It’s hard to even let my mind wander back to it, because it was so raw and a life unfiltered. I can’t recall how many nights I was on my knees, crying and screaming into the carpet or a pile of his shirts. As I write this, my eyes are hot with tears as I remember those dark days.
That memory of the girl on the floor is not me! But… it was.
And I’ve grown from that. My wounds have begun to heal a little. I’m ready to move forward and step out of the darkness that has held me for almost a year and a half.
I’m tired of the grief. It’s exhausting.
Yes, I still have so much pain and miss him so much, but I’m so much farther than I was in the beginning of 2017. I will Love Kyle and miss him until the day I go to Heaven, but I hope to have a lot of life left to live here on earth.
Last year, we left a New Years party before midnight, and I cried the whole way home as my kids slept in the backseat. I was in such despair as a widow of only 4 months. I was scared of 2017, and wasn’t ready to enter into a new year without Kyle. But, I didn’t have a choice… I was forced to live the loneliest year of my life, while raising our children as a single mother and trying to give them as much happiness and life experiences as I can. It’s been an exhausting battle.
My family and I have grown and changed so much this last year. And while I hate the distance between me and the last time I saw Kyle alive, I’m ready to see where life takes us in 2018. My kids are growing and changing so much, and I want to soak up every second of that and enjoy the present moments. I don’t want to miss out on life because of this circumstance. I don’t want to forever be defined by Kyle’s death. I want to see if I can find a little of the old me hiding somewhere deep inside. I don’t want my children to grow up, and look back on memories of their mother and see sadness.
So here is to a new year, a new beginning, a new path. I have been very diligent and intentional with my self care, mental well being, and soul searching this past year. I have stayed faithful and have still worn my wedding rings. I have been to 65 straight weeks of Christian grief counseling. I have put work priorities much lower on the list. I have been still. I have been quiet. I have studied. And I have prayed. I have done the work.
I’m ready to step back into the light.